Blam!

Word up, players and haters alike. I've spoken with Sam and Steve and we decided it was high time for everyone to get their Blam! on. So I've decided to post the only way I know how: a White Russian in one hand and an airsoft pistol in the other. 16 in the clip and one in the hole, bros. This naturally leads to two questions you don't want answered: HTF am I typing and about WTF will I be typing? The answer to both is science.
We all know that Super Mario Bros. 2 is a little off. It was Shigeru Miyamoto's drug baby. In Japan, though, when you get all coked up and father a bastard child, you don't kill it or give it away like we do here. No sir. They sell the hell out of it. I'm not saying that the game is terrible or anything, just that it was born a little underweight and will have a tendency to engage in self-destructive behavior.

Peach: Mario! You said you weren't gonna do any more of those door potions!
Mario: Trick, shut yo mouth before you get a turnip upside your head.

At any rate, this game did introduce to the sexiest video game vixen ever- Birdo. At least, I think Birdo's a chick. It has a bow and launches eggs at you. Sounds like every skirt I've ever known. This ambiguity just goes to highlight what and how much we don't know about Mario-2-Land. I've decided to shoulder the burden of taking the first step to understanding this narcotics-induced nightmare world: finding the mass of one of Birdo's eggs. Of course to do this, certain assumption must be made, and I'll explain each one as I make it. Should you disagree with any of these assumptions, dear reader, you can kiss my glorious Shy Guy.
The first step, as I saw it, was to establish a length scale. Mario Andretti was the only Italian Mario whose height I could find. Andretti stands a respectable 1.7 meters, but the Mario in question is super, meaning more than your standard Mario. After averaging 1.7 m with Yao Ming's 2.3 m, I came up with 2 m. Yao's gotta be the upper limit. After all, you don't want Super Mario sidelined by leg/foot problems. Mario can jog at approximately 1.33 Marios/second (2.66 m/s) while Birdo's egg (after launch) travels at 2.66 Marios/second (5.33 m/s). If the egg strikes Mario, it sends him recoiling with a speed of 2/3 of a Mario/second (1.33 m/s). If we assume the collision is perfectly inelastic... I mean why wouldn't we? The thing disappears when it hits the dude, the only logical explanation is that it lodges itself into Mario's stomach and is digested once he lands. At any rate, perfectly inelastic. So now we just need Mario's mass.
I never really got into the Soprano's or the Godfather or anything really, but I did watch enough of them to realize that any Italian that doesn't get whacked is skinny, while the remainder are quite tubby. Assuming a whacked to not whacked ratio of 4:1 for your average Italian, we can immediately conclude that 4/5 of Italians will be whacked fatties. An obese person has a BMI of 30 kg/m^2, meaning Mario's mass ought to be (4/5)*(30 kg/m^2)*4 m^2 or 96 kg. Again, he's super so I'm gonna round up to 100 kg. Combine this with a stationary Mario facing off with Birdo and conservation of momentum, you get the mass of Birdo's egg to be 33.3 kg, or 73.5 lbs. For comparison, that's eighteen Kerri Strugs. But there you have it. Egg don't lie.

(Make sure to read Steve's too, just below, I don't know how to make a teaser entry so you can see that he wrote one just underneath in this version of Movable Type yet)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Lived with Japanese people.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never really make or remember these.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Reggie (Pastor Reg) had a new young girl. Well, his wife Amy did at least.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Amanda (formerly Mogensen)

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada. I visited Canada... again. (This time Montreal, it's a cool city)

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
An awesome hobby. Closer group of friends, but I think I'm making progress there.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
MMmmm. I don't remember dates, too well, but the Sloan concert was awesome and the party we had was pretty cool

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Did some good stuff at work. I also think I had a hand in getting some friends to reconcile with each other.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Having all sorts of potential to do stuff, but still not knowing what to do or just wasting too much time in general.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not anything I didn't catch last year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Wii

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Deb Sherril

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Dan, Steve, Tall Mark and whoever else keeps sending those "2 Girl 1 " links

14. Where did most of your money go?
House

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a cool roommate).

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"Staring at the Sun" - Simple Kid

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier, sadder?- Happier that I'm making more of a life in Augusta. Sadder that my old life/friends seem even further away now.

fatter, thinner? Same

richer, poorer? Richer, I'm still paying off my car debt though, Steve has me there.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Read, fixed up the house, biked.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spend time on the computer, or watching TV

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I went home, but I also saw my cousins in Atlanta which was fun.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2007?
I had an awesome party at my house... but certain attendees were adamant that I overindulge.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I was infatuated with a few parties. 2008 Looks like a better year for love.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
LOST. South Park. Kenny v. Spenny, Death Note

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say 'Hate'

26. What was the best book you read?
Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep? - Phillip K Dick

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pandora.com

28. What did you want and get?
a rentor/roommate

29. What did you want and not get?
a shetland pony

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Superbad

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
24: I met pastor Reg and Jeremy at Stilwater for some Smithwick's. It was pretty good.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Direction

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Mill Uniform, or shirt and jeans. My roommate drug me to a few trendy stores and made me try some new stuff. She has much better fashion sense than me and can be very convincing and cute, but I'm probably not going to change styles that much.

34. What kept you sane?
hope, friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Deke Copenhavor

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Maybe the Surge in Iraq... maybe.

37. Who did you miss?
Friends at Tech, friends from home, Cross Country Skiing

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met a good number of cool people this year now that I think about it. Yoichi, Josh, Hope, among many others.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
If you're doing business, you tend to get better results from people if you act demanding and curt. This might not apply to working with your peers.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Never needed nobody
Never needed a girl
I’ve been breakin’ my own heart
I’ve been rockin’ my world - Sloan, Ready For you

God rest your soul Amanda. I'm so sorry for what happened, I didn't know that the cancer remained until just today . We'll pray for your surviving family.

You were gifted, funny, smart and more. We'll remember you.

It's Memorial Day.

Remember the dead, you vibrant jerks.

Word up, suckas. As Sam pointed out to me earlier this week, we are fast approaching the one year anniversary of the greatest senior barrel ever, or as I like to call it, "The Day We Decreased the Value of Our House by $100/month". As such, I think it is only right that we celebrate this event with a party that spans the nation. How does one do this? Very simple; this is just a premeditated drunk dial. I think it'll be rad, especially if you call up peeps you haven't talked to in a while. Nothing gets in the way of friendships like sobriety. But just so we're clear, I got dibs on calling Dave Hughes first. Saturday. All day.

If you could pick two bands to headline the ultimate concert, who would would you pick? What would be the most awesome rock duo of all time? Nirvana and the Beatles? Cream and the Police? Reggie and the Full Effect and Lordi? Okay then, if you got to go to that concert for free by volunteering for something, what would be the coolest job? Roadie? Press control? Security? Microphone cleaner? Let's say it was a benefit concert. What would be the best benefit the proceeds could go to? Cure for cancer? Badger camp? Aids treatment in Africa? Well stop trying to answer because I'm going to tell you.

The answers are as fallows:
Best Duo Headliners: Cheap Trick and Dashboard Confessionals
Best Job: Beer dispenser
Best Benefit: Teach and let underprivaleged and at risk kids golf for free and a local theater.

Wouldn't it be awesome for that to happen? Well curiously enough that's just what I did on Tuesday afternoon of Master's week.

Fore front, liquid debauchery to be distributed. Background, final destination of that debauchery.

Our team of beer givers. Two of them are my pastors. That probably makes this post worthwhile by itself.

Action Time! Also the one fellow on the right must have drank two grosses of Heineken. 2*12^2. Perhaps Heineken was the real one to benefit.

Who's playing right now? That's right either Cheap Trick or Dashboard Confessionals.

moved to 410dodge.com

I know since the Holocaust, Rwanda, Armenia, Kosovo and Sudan genocide has fallen out of favor with the public at large (well, at least in North America). But that isn't going to stop me. I'm calling for a new genocide. I know it sounds harsh, but I want all cockroaches, palmetto bugs and water bugs destroyed, or at least out of my subdivision. This weekend I started my counter attack to their Tet offensive. Bangel roach spray, bug bombs and generic brand pine sol are my swords. Foam strips, bubble wrap and boric acid is my ballistic missle sheild. These bastards will die for what they've done. Seriously, they're absolute jerks. They come into my house, flip on their backs and die. It's worse when they're the giant palmetto bugs (2.5 inches long) and have the added threat of flight.

Join me! (Join now and I we'll consider the species of your choosing to the list)

Let me start by saying that this must be the most accomplished bunch of d-bags to ever write a blog. Dan, Sam and Steve all have what sound like pretty swell jobs. Andrew and I are in grad school. (What's that? Right. To impress the ladies. Exactly.) And Tall Mark's self-help series "How to Be Tall on the Inside" is just starting to take off. Seriously Mark, e-mail me. I think we could go places with that.
Which actually leads me into why this year is going to be my best yet:

1.) It's only like 5 days old, and I've already had three awesome ideas (counting the self-help series, not counting when I decided to buy beer last night). My other inventions include the most bad ass coasters ever which will use condensation to do something, I haven't decided what yet though. I once saw this clip on CNN when the Olympics were in Atlanta about a lady who was trying to get her song to be the official Olympic song. I think the only lyrics were "U. S. Atlanta! U. S. Atlanta!" At least, they're the only one's I can remember, but they were catchy as hell. Maybe the coasters will play that when your drink is empty and the entire thing will be powered by condensed water vapor. My other invention is to talk to the folks that publish those 501 (Insert Foreign Language) Verb books and see if I can get a 501 (Insert Foreign Language) Curse Words book series going. Sure, you can look them up on the internet, but when I curse in a different language, I want a comprehensive source I can trust, not some 13-year-old's webpage with words he's picked up playing Counterstrike or something.

2.) This probably should be number 1, but I spent New Year's Eve with Sam's old roommate Adam and Adam's roommate. We went from bar to bar drinking whisky drinks (but no vodka, lager or cider drinks) and ended up a Mexican restaurant with like 10 other people drinking overpriced drinks and singing karaoke songs that reminded them of the good times and the better times. Aside from the overpriced drinks, it was incredible, but what pushed it over the top was that the most depressed man in the world was there, sitting at a table by himself and drinking his beer very slowly. In retrospect this doesn't sound awesome at all, but it was. I guess you had to be there.

3.) I had a dream a few nights ago where Sam Waterston had a flamethrower and used the phrase "sweet homicidal justice". Best dream ever.

4.) Look what I found: www.turdtwister.com

Seriously people. I did this in five short days, and I was way hungover for one of them. I even went to the doctor for tubal ligation because I had grown a pair of hangovaries. Speaking of which, I'm sure some of you knew this already, but I just found out that a woman's gonads are her ovaries. And I still have 361 days left.

It's another year and I think this survey is still pretty neat. I enjoyed reading everybody else's last year, so here goes.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
This year had a lot. 1st real career is probably the biggest. Started dancing is probably the second.

Continue reading "Yearly reflection/dumb survey!" »